Ever wondered, why marriage is called a social institution? Is it a social custom or practice that as a woman or woman you must abide by it? Was this institution created to punish the other person or yourself? Or, was it created in the first place so that you both can learn from each other’s mistakes, be caring and affectionate towards each other, let go of certain outcomes, and let go of your own ego at times to save your marriage from crumbling like the plaster coming off from the walls or a pack of playing cards that comes down upon the slightest touch? Can you create accurate responses to all these questions?
You know that somewhere deep within you have been trying hard to protect your marriage, giving all of yourself and every single day you feel that it’s not working anymore. Perhaps, the signs are not very clear to you. And, that is why we have taken to writing this blog so that you get to know if the days of ‘marital bliss’ are already over and if it’s the perfect time to seek a marriage counselor.
The Top Nine Signs
You are constantly being pooh-poohed.
Though you try your best to keep your partner happy, you don’t hear a single ‘good word’ or ‘words of appreciation’ from him/her. Instead, you are constantly being let down on every little thing that you couldn’t do or chose not to do. If this keeps happening on a regular basis, eventually a feeling of ‘self-doubt’ creeps in. You want to feel good but don’t simply know how. As Abhijit Naskar, the author of Wise Mating: A Treatise on Monogamy writes in his book — Compatibility doesn’t determine the fate of a marriage, how you deal with the incompatibilities, does — it may be the time to call your marriage a quit.
You feel better when you stay away from your partner.
You ate, visited a beach or went on a shopping spree — all of this you both did but did it all together. It never ever imagined a life without your partner but it’s not the same anymore. Now, when you go out for dinner, you note that he/she is physically present with you but mentally absent. You often become the object of your partner’s anger or frustration even though it wasn’t your mistake. You begin to note a sudden change in behavior and so you decide to stay away from your partner. You feel better now because you do not feel somebody is taking away your space. It’s time for you to seek a divorce. As Iyanla Vanzant, an American inspirational speaker, lawyer, New Thought spiritual leader rightly puts up — Anger simply means that your personal power – your personal space, your personal sense of being has been violated.
You undergo a sudden personality change.
You probably had the chance of socializing with people who always rode up a high hill and so you carry a high dose of optimism. Warren Buffet said once — It’s better to hang out with people better than you. Pick out associates whose behavior is better than yours and you’ll drift in that direction. You are the kind of person as mentioned by Warren Buffet. You have a positive outlook towards life when you are constantly on the look-out for a better career and income but your partner feels that you are competing against him/her. Do you really think marriage partners should be competing against each other instead of encouraging each other?
You don’t feel that your partner ever listens to you.
You just told your partner that you would like him/her to visit a dentist but to your amusement, he/she doesn’t listen to you. The next day, your partner’s mom tells him/her the same. This sounds a great idea to your partner and he quickly takes action on his/her mom’s words. Richard Francis Burton, a Britsh explorer, writer, poet and so much more said once — If you can’t laugh together in bed, the chances are you are incompatible anyway. So, you need to check your partner’s reactions and words, when you are in bed. It’s like — you two are living under the same roof, but not for each other.
You suffer from bouts of depression quite regularly.
You tried hard to be in a marital relationship where for you, it was more of an act of self-giving rather than taking anything from your partner. You are in a position today that you have lost all hopes because your marriage shows no signs of improvement. And, so you suffer occasional bouts of depression. As Claire Forlani, an English actress put up — Depression is close to me, but suicide hasn’t been — it’s time for you to move out of your marriage until your thoughts get converted from being self-defeating and depressive to suicidal.
You discussed having a baby, but somebody didn’t like the idea.
It’s been 3-4 years of marriage and you thought you should have a baby but your partner disagreed with you even without giving this idea the first thought. He/she might be having a different idea and that’s quite okay, but not conveying the contrarian viewpoint means something deep is going in his/her head. And, more so, when the other person has never boycotted your idea in the last 4 years. So, the situation is like – your partner looks like ‘somebody’ to you now from who was at one point of time an ‘everybody’. The Phyllis Ada Diller, an American actress said once “I’m beginning to have morning sickness. I’m not having a baby. I’m just sick of morning.”
Your partner keeps an ex-lover but never discusses it.
Most men and women, you will hear, are accepting of your partner’s love affair outside of your marriage as long as you have stopped meeting the person anymore and have revealed the truth to you. But, most men and women can’t simply accept cheating. And, so if you find your spouse consistently lying about coming late from his/her work, it’s time for you to stop being in illusion. Eva Longoria, an American actress makes an important point which relates to your perception and the negative meaning you assign to yourself after your partner’s betrayal — It wasn’t about who he chose, I had moments of like: “Okay, I’m not sexy enough? I’m not pretty enough? Am I not smart enough?” Then I immediately stopped. “No, no, no — don’t start doing that.” Because you can get stuck in that cycle and you can carry that onto other things.
Your partner stops sharing finances with you.
One of the partners hides his spending patterns from you. The spouse discusses savings or spendings more with friends and everybody else except you, it’s time for you to not just ignore this kind of behavior but work it through. Because people hide their finances because of reasons known best to them such as saving money for going back to school or spending more than usual on friends or ex-lover your spouse likes to hang out with. If after discussing with your partner, things get better, you can consider your partner makes an effort to keep you in trust. Else, it’s time for you to file a divorce. James Altucher, an American hedge fund manager, entrepreneur, author, and more has rightly said — The people who know personal finance hide the money very carefully.
Your spouse find reasons to fight with you.
Forget about verbal spat or minor bickering, your marriage has come to the boil. Your spouse no longer stays calm even in normal situations and instead gets irritated the moment you open your mouth and say something. Your gut feeling says — your partner is not doing it right — yet you want to give your marriage another chance. But, trust me, it’s not going to work anymore. It’s all about good communication within a relationship and if there’s a ‘no communication’ or a ‘bad communication’ between the two partners, your marriage is not going anywhere. Call it quit! Abhijit Naskar besides saying several other things about relationships in his book also said — Try to respond to your partner instead of reacting.”
These nine signs should be enough to get you prepared for a bullet-proof decision. If you see these crucial signs in your spouse, it may be time to seek a marriage counselor or a divorce attorney.